If there were a show that I’d like to disappear from the TV schedules and never return, it would be Come Dine With Me. In fact, I despise it so much that I’d like to have access to a time machine just so I could go back in time to kill the person that came up with the idea.
Not a day goes by with at least half an hour of CDWM being broadcast on some channel. Most annoyingly of all the daily dose of CDWM is on a half 5 – exactly the time that I’m usually sitting down to have my dinner. And my parents always watch the show, so I am forced to. I am usually found sitting, shovelling my dinner into me as quick as possible to get away from the mind numbing, soul crushing nature of the show.
Week in, week out it’s exactly the same show. People throw a dinner party for 3 other total strangers, they rate each others food, argue, bitch, moan and at the end of it all, the person with the highest score wins a grand.
But not only is the entire premise of the show repeated ad nauseum, the types of people they have on are always the same. Here’s a run down of the types of people the show has on continually.
The Dumb One: the most common of them all. One person who while all the others are making conversation, will be sat in the corner smiling and nodding. There was one woman the other night who, completely seriously and without knowing how stupid she sounded, described herself as a food ‘cricket.’
The Weird One: one woman had her own placenta in her freezer. And she showed her guests. Nuff said.
The Posh One: the one who will have a massive house, and will get his butler to serve his guests. Will more than likely alienate the common one in the group with his over the top-ness. Never usually wins as the less posh people hate him.
The Foody: the one who will not be happy with anything presented to them and criticises the food every chance they can. However, this normally backfires whenever it’s their turn to host and the guests all are expecting 5* food and he gives them something equivalent to a dog turd in a bun.
The B*stard: the aggressive one who more often than not thinks everything is an argument and flies off the handle at the slightest provocation. Incidentally, he’s the most fun to watch. Until it gets uncomfortable and he starts calling the hostess ‘fat and ugly’ which has actually happened before.
The Slutty One: this category is mostly populated by ladies in the 40 and over age group. Mainly thinking that there will be men that have been invited and this will be their chance to impress them, show plenty of leg and cleavage on show despite the fact that there a good few years over the hill and should probably cover them up. For all our sakes.
The Drunk One: a lot of the time this is connected with the slutty one, and is usually also the one person who really dislikes the food that has been prepared and just drinks all of the hosts wine instead. One woman actually fell asleep at the table the other night.
The Cheating One: the person who despite everyone else liking the food, refuses to give that nights host a good score because it might jeopardise her (I say her, because it usually is) own chances of winning. Again, one of the most common, because, well, people are greedy really.
The Two Blokes Who Try To Out-Bloke Each Other: self explanatory really. And the word bloke could be substituted for anything else really. Posh, Cooks, Idiots.
The only saving grace of the show is the voiceover guy, but even he’s starting to get on my nerves.
Come Dine With Me? I’d rather eat on my own, thanks.