Thursday 30 June 2011

Cinema Review - Transformers: Dark of the Moon




Ok, deep breath.

The supposedly final part of the Transformers trilogy is here. And it’s exactly what you’d expect.
This is not a good thing.

I could just review it as the leave your brain at the door kind of movie it is, and as that kind of movie it’s great. The action is fantastic, there’s a lot of it, and it has MASSIVE TRANFORMING ROBOTS FIGHTING FFS!!!!!!!!!! But I’ll choose to be critical instead and put my serious film reviewer head on. Just for you.

I’ll get the good stuff out of the way first:

- MASSIVE TRANSFORMING ROBOTS FIGHTING!!!!!!!! IN 3D!!!!!!!
- Shia LeBoeuf is as likeable in this as he is in the other two.
- Rosie Thingummy-Whatsherface isn’t as bad as reported and does alright.
- Um, did I mention there’s MASSIVE TRANSFORMING ROBOTS FIGHTING? Cause there is.

And now, the bad.

The plot makes literally no sense whatsoever, and all the characters (especially both Autobots and Decepticons) do stupid things in order to advance the next nonsensical part of the plot. The one thing that hugely annoyed me though, was when Optimus Prime gave Sentinel Prime the Matrix of Leadership, which is something that would have been useful for him to have once he SPOILER eventually turns evil. And despite no-one being suspicious of Sentinel at this point, he decides to give it back to Optimus without a second thought.



OPTIMUS!

And slightly earlier, Megatron (who for some reason decides that wearing a head scarf is enough to warrant the Transfomers mantra of ‘robots in disguise’) tells his pet bird transformer (seriously) to kill anyone who knew of the ship that landed on the moon back in the 60’s. This is a ship that contains Sentinel Prime, who is the only one who can activate this super gizmo that could end the war between the Autos and the Deceptions. So, when after the pet bird kills Ken Jeong’s conspiracy theorist Deep Wang (groan) and makes it look like a suicide, all covert-like, what does the robot then do? It proceeds to attack Sam, outing itself as the killer of Wang in the first place.

And, and, when it is revealed that Megatron and Sentinel were working together, it makes you wonder why Megatron just didn’t go and wake him up sooner. I mean Starscream flew into space at the end of the first movie; couldn’t Megatron have said to him at one point “Yo ‘scream, scoot on up to the moon and wake up Sentinel. We’ve got this super secret plan to destroy everything.” And then, we wouldn’t have had the stupidly convoluted plan of tricking the Autobots into finding an engine part of the Ark (the moon spaceship), which leads Optimus to awaken Sentinel and kick this whole thing off.



OPTIMUS!

Later on the Autobots are told to leave Earth, because the Decepticons are evil. This makes literally no sense. Sending away the good robots that can protect you because the bad robots that are still on the planet and won’t leave willingly have threatened to kill you. And then SPOILER the Autobots get blown up because the Decepticons are, shock horror, untrustworthy. So now, the only thing that could protect the humans is gone, because the humans told them to go. Don’t worry though, the Autobots aren’t really dead. Not that you think they are for a second anyway. In fact, they only reveal themselves again after most of Chicago has been obliterated, with thousands killed, apparently because us earthlings needed to be taught a lesson about how the Decepticons shouldn’t be trusted. WHICH WE KNEW ALREADY!!!! Thanks, retarded US Government, and fuck you very much Optimus. People are fucking dying here.

(Dammit, I was going to try and not swear, but thinking about these things just makes my brain hurt, and also very very angry.)



OPTIMUS!

And also, what were those other Transformers doing on the moon? They didn’t need to be revived like Sentinel Prime did. They just apparently woke up when the space bridge teleporter thing was turned on. Were they just chilling out on the moon for the past 50 years since the Ark crashed? And that’s another thing, the start of the movie says that Sentinel was trying to escape on the Ark during the Cybertron War, but the Decepticons shot him down. Why? If he was in league with the Decepticons, why would they have shot him down at all? And if only Sentinel knew of the alliance why did all those Transformers on the moon suddenly turn bad. One assumes they were on the Ark, and therefore as Sentinel was still a good robot at the time, they were good robots too.

I could list a whole load more of these stupid stupid little annoyances, but it’d take far too long.



OPTIMUS!

Also, for a movie that is about MASSIVE ROBOTS FIGHTING!!!!!! It takes a while before we see any actual fighting. There’s like 2 big set pieces in the first hour and a half, and then the final 40 minute battle. Which yeah is cool, but you sort of get a bit fatigued by the end of it. It doesn’t build and build and build in the way that some great cinematic battles have, like in Return of the King for example. Its big battle here, big battle somewhere else, and another one somewhere else again. They all seem to happen one after the other. Some inter-cutting would have been nice.

And worst of all, Optimus Prime is taken out of the battle for twenty minutes by, get this, getting tangled in a bunch of cables. This is Optimus Prime, leader of the Autobots, who now apparently needs to tow around a truck that carries his weapons in it, and is useless without them, despite having concealed blades up his robot sleeves in the 2nd movie, getting caught in a bunch of fucking wires. It’s stupid, and then the other Autobots get captured which makes them look rubbish in comparison. We're not even shown how Bumblebee et al get captured, just all of a sudden they are. Even though half of them were on the other side of the city a second ago, now they're where they need to be to service the plot. The geography is all fucked up throughout. But it gets worse. At the point where everything seems lost and the Decepticons are about to execute Bumblebee, Optimus shows up out of nowhere and kicks everyone’s ass, saving the day. Ordinarily I would think that was cool, but because Optimus takes everyone out so easily, it the equivalent of the Power Rangers calling in the power sword, whenever things got really tough. Even the action didn’t excite as much as it had previously; I think it’s just a bit of overuse really. I mean, transforming robots was cool 2 movies ago (Optimus transforming in the city at the climax of TF1 is still one the coolest things I’ve ever seen) but now, and it pains me to say it, it kind of boring. In fact, we don't even see the bit that might have been pretty cool, the siege of Chicago by the Decepticons. We just cut to black at one point, and when we come back the city is overrun. I mean I get some things have to happen off screen, but not that. Surely, showing us the plight of some of the humans (the people you'd think we're supposed to care for) would have made the eventual defeat of the Decepticons more powerful. But no, we skip over that bit and don't see the Chicagoans die, because Michael Bay is only interested in the robots.



OPTIMUS!

The final nail in the coffin though was that Rosie Thingummy-Whatsherface’s character is the one who convinces Megatron (Megatron!) to stand up and fight against Sentinel because if Sentinel wins, Megatron will only be his second in command. This is Megatron, leader of a highly advanced race of evil robots, tricked into saving Optimus’ life by a teenager using Psychology 101. And it works. Then despite Megatron saving Optimus’ life, Optimus then goes and flat out executes him. In fact, Optimus is a bit of a dick in this movie, letting the Decepticons destroy Chicago to teach the humans a ‘lesson’ and then killing Megatron who I bet was just about to apologise.



And then, about a minute after Megatron is defeated the movie ends with everyone laughing a chuckling. Don't worry about the thosuands of dead folk littering the streets. As long as Bumblebee makes a cute gag about Sam and Rosie Thingummy-Whatserface getting married and Optimus makes his usual sanctimonious speech, everything is alright.

The next list of bad things aren’t so much plot annoyances, just wee niggling things. Much like Decepticon testicles in the last movie.

- Why do some Transformers have beards? Seriously, this doesn’t make any sense. And why are some of them made to look old? Robots don’t age, and I very much doubt that when they transform there’s a part of their programming that turns their non-transformer form into various facial hair, and/or teeth. Megatron had teeth. Why? This makes no fucking sense whatsoever. And also, one of the Autobots has a Scottish accent and threatens to bottle somebody. I would have foud that funny if it wasn't so fucking ludricrous.
- What the fuck is Malkovich doing in this? He serves no purpose but to be Sam’s dicky boss. Yet he’s shoehorned into the plot at a later point. I don’t remember what he does, but he’s never seen again.
- Alan Tudyk plays a gay, apparently former Nazi, manservant to John Turturro’s now famous ex-FBI agent. I have no words.
- I have no idea who half the transformers were in the movie. In fact the only one I did know was Optimus Prime, because at least one character, normally Sam, screams it every 20 minutes.


-And also, despite being called Dark of the Moon, there is only one point of the movie where it is mentioned and that's right at the start.


OPTIMUS!!!!


So, overall. 2 stars, one for the action, and 1 because it's not utterly irredemmable, but it's pretty close.

Wednesday 29 June 2011

DVD Review: Machete

A movie borne out of a fake trailer in between the Grindhouse movies. Everyone thought the trailer was great; surely the resulting movie should be, right?

Wrong.

On paper this movie has everything;

It’s from Robert Rodriguez
It’s in the same vein as Planet Terror
It’s stupid, and incredibly tongue-in-cheek.
It’s very violent.

I should like it. And I did, for about the first 20 minutes. Then the same thing happens for the next 80. The movie basically plays out like this calm, violence, calm, violence, calm, violence, calm, violence, and then ends with one of the worst action set pieces ever. I wasn’t expecting high art, but the whole thing is just dull.

Danny Trejo, great in other things as a bit player, cannot hold an entire movie. He literally has one facial expression (pissed off), and shows no emotion at all. It’s hard to care about why he’s doing what he’s doing. In the action scenes he’s pretty great, you can believe he’s an ex Federale, but not much else

Steven Segal plays the bad guy and seeing him act, it’s no wonder he’s relegated to DTV movie these days. He’s awful. And he also only has one facial expression. His and Machete’s fight near the end (the climactic one of the movie) is laughably bad. It’s going for funny with the denouement, but ends up just looking stupid.

The plot is also a mess. What should have been a straight forward revenge movie (like Taken, for example) goes all political on us, trying to shoehorn in a tolerance lesson about immigrants coming to America. Frankly it’s boring, they should have just had Machete going after Segal because earlier in the movie SPOILER he kills Machete’s wife. You think that would be motive alone, but instead Machete wants to help fight the good fight and it just so happens that Segal is behind that. So with all this immigration stuff that appears, an immigration agent is introduced, and she’s played by Jessica Alba. Not convincing, and just there to up the attractive lady quotient which is prevalent in this sort of down and dirty 70’s revenge movie vibe Machete is going for. She’s terrible though.

In fact the only people in this movie who aren’t plain awful are Michelle Rodriguez and Jeff Fahey. Fahey plays creepy and menacing really well; he makes you wish that he were the main threat for the whole thing instead just a lackey to De Niro’s (!?) racist senator. And Michelle Rodriguez, once again, plays the hard as nails chick, but she does it so well I can’t fault her really. She’s the only one that fills her role with conviction.

Oh, Cheech Marin’s great too actually.

And the less said about Lohan and her excuse for a ‘character arc’ the better.








But you don’t watch this movie for the characters, you watch for the violence. However, after the first action scene, they all become kind of samey and boring. Its cool seeing Machete cut through guys with…um, a machete, and yes, using one poor guy’s intestines as a rope is funny. But mostly the action scenes bore you, when they’re more or less the same each time. And the final battle between the Mexicans and the Rednecks looks like it’s going to be a huge fight, but ends up as the worst group fight scene I’ve ever seen.

Overall it’s a movie that doesn’t know whether it should be serious or flat out stupid. Unfortunately it tries to be both at the same time and ends up failing miserably.

It really should have just stayed the fake trailer.

At least that was fun.

2 stars


Monday 27 June 2011

Bridesmaids review: No, come back, come back!

This will not be a very long review, mainly because it’s quite difficult reviewing comedies, when essentially you put it into one of two categories: not funny and a failure, or very funny and successful.

Bridesmaids is the latter. And a very pleasant surprise.




Yes, it’s probably a little too long and sags a bit near the end, and some characters are a little superfluous, but it’s the funniest thing I’ve seen at the cinema for ages.

Until I see Transformers that is.

Gentlemen, do not be put off by the title. Yes, it is a movie whose central premise revolves around weddings, but it is not a wedding movie. The lazy way to describe it would be The Hangover with women, and it is an apt description (almost), but where that movie was an ensemble, this movie really belongs to Kristen Wiig.

Likable, funny and most of all believable as a real person; she owns this movie. As funny as the characters were in The Hangover, the situations they got themselves in were what provided the real laughs. Here, it’s mostly the characters and, importantly, the dialogue. Nothing hugely outrageous happens (no tigers in bathrooms here) but it’s the conversations in which most of the films funniest bits come from. Just a word of advice, pay attention or you’ll miss some of the subtler quiet jokes.

However, you will be hurting as you watch the aftermath of a bout of food poisoning. And that’s not subtle whatsoever.

Highly recommended

4 stars









[Shit, that was really short. Sorry.]

Friday 17 June 2011

Best Opening Scenes...Ever!

So, you’re making a movie and want to capture the audience’s attention. Sure you could start with some arty-farty titles, and a thought provoking opening.

OR

You can go balls to the wall and create a kick ass memorable opener that’ll stick in the audiences mind long after they leave the cinema.

I know what I’d choose. Here are some of my favourites:

Blade

Without a doubt one of the best character introductions ever. But first we have the vampire blood club/orgy scene. It sets the tone nicely; these aren’t your normal movie vampires, these are hardcore vampires. The one human guy starts freaking out as he realises where he is, he tries to get away, music pounding on the soundtrack, the vampires are taunting him as he crawls across the blood soaked floor and then he stops in front of a pair of boots. The music cuts out. We pan up to see Blade for the first time. There’s a few seconds pause as all the vampires stop. They know who he is. They know what he does. They know they’re dead. Even before he does anything, we know Blade’s a dude to be feared.







And then…Blade kicks everyone’s ass. It’s a scene that’s nearly 15 years old, but still looks incredible. Blade using silver stakes, a shotgun and his freakin’ bare hands to kill everyone in the club and save one guy. Best moment: either Blade using his spinny, um…blade to decapitate three vampires in a circle or the bit where Blade hits a vampire in the stomach with the butt of his shotgun, she doubles over, Blade puts the shotgun under her chin, fires, and she disintegrates. Awesome.

Final Destination 2




While the first movie had the plane explosion it was the second where the extravagant opening scene that became the series signature really took off, and as we knew what was going to happen they could really go all out. This one is the best of them all, surpassing the later roller coaster and racetrack openers. The shit consistently hits the fan in this scene, with each gruesome death building on the one before it. Special mentions go to the sheriff (Lois and Clark’s Jimmy Olsen – the first one) getting a massive log through the face, and to the dude in the sports car, getting explodified, burning alive, and then getting creamed by a jack knifing lorry.

Dawn of the Dead (2004)

Slow building dread before heart thumping full throttle zombie apocalypse in less than ten minutes. Not bad, Zack. Not bad at all. It’s the little hints that really sell this one. The guy with bite wounds in the hospital. The unheeded warning message on the TV. And then once the little girl appears at the door, shrouded in darkness, everything kicks off. It’s the frantic nature of this whole scene that really convinces you that the whole world has gone to hell so quickly. The husband gets bitten, dies, and comes back as a zombie in minutes. Our protagonist races outside to see that the whole block has been zombified or shortly will be. Panic everywhere, people screaming, and a school bus full of children getting massacred. Neighbours turning on each other. Zombies chasing cars. It’s quick, it’s effective, and it’s scary. It doesn’t give you time to react to what’s going on before something else unexpected happens. And it gets all the exposition you need for the film out of the way. Basically: there’s zombies. Lots of ‘em. And they’re fast. Real fast.




My favourite part of this scene though (aside from the shot from behind the car as it drives away) is the wide shot in which a car slams into the side of another and into a petrol station, and then closes in on the car of our protagonist.

Also, it leads into some end of the world Johnny Cash. And who doesn’t love that?

Mallrats

Okay, so this isn’t an action opener. But for an opening that sets the tone of the movie you’re about to watch, Brodie’s monologue is hard to beat.

[video link]

And by the way, I can quote this entire speech from memory.

X-Men 2





A masterpiece of FX and stunt work, as well as one hell of an exciting scene. Nightcrawler bamf-ing all over the place, taking out guards here and there, and being all cool as he does it. It’s so good it was homaged (or copied, if you’re cynical like me) in this year’s X-Men: First Class. This scene announced X2 as bigger, better and more ambitious than the first X movie.

Revenge of the Sith

Whatever your feelings about the prequels, you have to admit that the opening battle of Episode 3 was a terrific opener, almost recapturing some of the originals carefree knockabout magic. From the simpler opening crawl (no bollocks about trade routes or taxation here. It starts with one word: War!) to the banter between Obi Wan and Anakin, the aerial dogfights, the lightsabre fights, as well as some enjoyable back and forth between Anakin and Grievous (“You’re shorter than I expected.”) it’s a throwback to a simpler kind of movie. I mean, even the droid slapstick kind of works.





It’s a triumph of great FX, great fights, and the terrible dialogue somehow works in the context of these not-taking-itself-so-seriously moments.

The Two Towers

This is the opener that inspired me to write this blog. You could argue that the opening scenes from the other two Rings movies were better til the cows came home. And yes, they are both fantastic scenes (the ‘History of the Ring’ and Smeagol turning into Gollum) but The Two Towers pips it. It’s the only opening scene that’s not a flashback. Well, it sort of is but one to only a few days before, and we get to see it from a different perspective. In Fellowship we see the Balrog drag Gandalf into the depths, and then we follow the remaining fellowship out and see their grief at losing their friend. At the start of Towers, we see Gandalf’s epic (no other word for it) fight with the Balrog as they plummet downwards.

It’s not a scene I think anybody expected, and that’s what makes it great. Watching Gandalf open a can of whoop ass on the creature that leads him to his doom is incredibly satisfying after watching it supposedly kill him in the previous film. Cathartic almost.

And it doesn’t hurt that everything in this scene is incredible. The action, the effects, the music. The fact that you can make out what’s going on throughout the whole scene, through the heat haze from the Balrog, the twists and turns the two make as they fall as well as the speed at which they’re falling. If I had to pick out a favourite moment it would be Gandalf, after the Balrog crashes into the wall, losing his grip but then calmly grabs hold of the Balrog’s horn and continues fighting. It paints Gandalf as a total badass, which is great because up until now we haven’t really seen him fight. It also sets up his eventual return later on in the film.

It’s possibly my favourite opening scene ever and gives me goosebumps every time I watch it. I'll link a video when I can, a picture doesn't do it justice.

So, what are yours?

Thursday 9 June 2011

Battlestar Galactica: My Frakkin' Look Back

Beautiful. Lyrical. Poetic.

Frakkin’ awesome.

The finale of BSG didn’t sit right with me the first time I watched it, two years ago (Frak! 2 years?). Recently, I started my rewatch of the entire series, and I just finished it again a few nights ago, and I have to say, I thought the finale was perfect.

As well as all those words listed above, which could also be applied to the series as a whole.

As with the Lost finale, and really all good TV show finales, it was never about answering questions (although we did get some, if not all, of them answered), but about the characters. And the way BSG decided to show us this was in the flashbacks to their lives before the fall, each of which were incredible and showed us exactly how these characters came to be the ones that we’ve watched over the last four years. Laura Roslin overcomes personal grief and chooses duty over self pity and defeat, just as she has done countless times over the course of the series. Bill Adama refuses to compromise his integrity and chooses the more difficult, but the right, option as we’ve seen him do many many times. Gaius Baltar comes to accept his upbringing as a farmer that he’s tried to deny for so long as he goes off to grow crops with Caprica Six, who he’s loved from the very start even if he didn’t realise it. Saul and Ellen Tigh finally get to live happily together; not as two of the final five, not as 2000 year old Cylons, but just husband and wife. Boomer makes her choice and gets a little redemption, even if it ends in her death; she’s still determined to pay the old man back. Lee learns that he has to let go if he wants to move on. Sam achieves the perfection he’s been searching for all his life.

And Kara? Well, she’ll never be forgotten. She leads the humanity to its end, just as the hybrid said. Although in a much happier way than what we thought when we first heard it.

The flashbacks were the perfect compliment to the present day actions, showing us just how much the characters had changed, but at the same time how they hadn’t as well. For example, Adama’s change of heart when it came to Hera’s rescue; initially he thought of it as a suicide mission and chose to keep searching for a home. He knew it was the smart thing to do, for the continued safety of the fleet, but it wasn’t the right thing. That’s the kind of man the Admiral is.






The finale encapsulated everything Battlestar Galactica was about: a treatise on the human condition, science, survival, politics, friendship, love, some awesome space porn and most importantly faith.

I reckon most people who didn’t like the finale concentrate on the faith aspect being the weakest, or Starbuck Ex Machina, as it were. For me, it wasn’t a problem. I don’t know if your own personal viewpoint would have affected your enjoyment of the resolution to Kara’s story but for me (at least the second time around) I thought it worked perfectly. Kara was an angel, from the point she returned after blowing up. An angel sent to guide humanity to Earth, which admittedly sounds awful when you say it, but watching it in the finale it’s a perfect fit. Faith had always been a part of the BSG universe so I can’t understand the people that say they were unhappy with what happened in the finale. From the very first episode, Head Six (the one only Baltar can see) tell Gaius that she is an angel sent from God. He doesn’t believe it then, and neither do we, but come the finale we discover that that’s exactly what she is. And a fit one at that.



The naysayers will always blame the whole “God did it” thing as the reason why they hated the finale, but it wasn’t so cut and dry as that. If you look at the run up to the finale, you could say there was a divine hand at work for the whole thing. Bear with me on this because I might be a little sketchy with the details. Starting with Kara’s return: if she hadn’t, Adama wouldn’t have sent her onboard the Demetrius to find Earth, Leoben wouldn’t have found her, the rebel Cylons wouldn’t have formed an Alliance with the fleet, the final four wouldn’t have been discovered, which would mean that they wouldn’t have told Kara that there was something different about her pristine Viper, it wouldn’t have been checked to show that it had the co-ordinates to Earth, they wouldn’t have discovered Earth as a nuclear wasteland, the fleet wouldn’t have lost hope, Dee wouldn’t have killed herself, Gaeta wouldn’t have begun the mutiny, which in turn meant Sam wouldn’t have been shot and then hooked up to be a Hybrid. Yes, all this could be argued as a coincidence, but once you put it in the context of Starbuck disappearing in the last moments of the finale you have to admit that all these events began with her returning from the dead. As a Leoben told her way back she is “an angel blazing with the light of God.”

But if you want a more grounded example, take Baltar. His conversion from sceptic to true believer over the course of the last series is what lead him to fulfil his place in the Opera House shared vision between Six, Athena and Roslin, which is something that has reached as far back as the first season finale. And it is his conversion that enables him to give a sincere, impassioned speech in the CIC to Cavil to halt the battle going on between the Cylons and the fleet:

"I see angels, angels in this very room. Now, I may be mad, but that doesn't mean that I'm not right. Because there's another force at work here. There always has been. It's undeniable. We've all experienced it. Everyone in this room has witnessed events that they can't fathom, let alone explain by rational means. Puzzles deciphered in prophecy. Dreams given to a chosen few. Our loved ones, dead, risen. Whether we want to call that "God" or "gods" or some sublime inspiration or a divine force we can't know or understand, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. It's here. It exists, and our two destinies are entwined in its force."

You gotta have faith.

But also, some space porn doesn’t hurt either.

Battlestar Galactica was never a show that you watched for the action, but when it did happen, it never disappointed. The finale was no different. After a few episodes with not much action, or even any scenes out in space for the most part, they threw it all into this one. In fact the first 45 minutes can be described in one word: Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiight!!!!!!!!!




The attack on the colony was quite possibly the greatest battle we’ve ever seen on Battlestar Galactica, and there’s been a few, with so much going on yet everything being completely coherent and possible to follow. It’s hard to describe a space battle and do it any sort of justice but suffice to say it was frakkin’ incredible looking. If I could pick out one moment from the battle, it would be the sight of rebel Centurions fist fighting (!) with the bad cylons, among whom we had some original Centurions (as in 70’s Galactica centurions)! A full forty five minutes of heart thumping, pulse pounding action.





Once the fleet arrives on Earth, lead there by Kara inputting the song (All Along the Watchtower) into the FTL, the endings are all perfect wrap ups for the characters. But I reckon Laura and Bill’s endings had the most impact by far. After leading her people to Earth, Laura passes away peacefully after getting a tour of the new planet. As Bill cries, and puts his wedding ring on her finger, I defy you not to feel at least a little emotional for these two characters. And our last scene with Bill, talking to Laura’s grave about the cabin he’s going to build, the one she always wanted. You’ll excuse me if I got a little verklempt at it.

"I laid out the cabin today. It's gonna have an easterly view. You should see the light that we get here. When the sun comes from behind the mountains, it's almost heavenly. It reminds me of you."


If the finale had ended there, it would have been perfect. However, it didn’t and then we have a little epilogue, 150,000 years later. In Times Square in New York. I recognise that the writers were making a point of saying that Earth is just like Caprica and Kobol before it, and therefore will probably destroy itself they way those two planets did – the “all this has happened before” mantra that had been repeated throughout the series, but Six has the hope that this time we won’t destroy ourselves. It wasn’t a necessary addition, as Baltar and Lee had expressed similar sentiments earlier in the episode, we didn’t need another reminder of what might happen. It was fine as it was. And also, the shots of advances in robotics, while Jimi Hendrix’s version of All Along the Watchtower played, seemed to point towards the series’ overall message being “DON’T BUILD ROBOTS, YO. ROBOTS IZ BAD!” It doesn’t spoil the finale for me, but it left a bitter taste after all the brilliance that came before it.

Overall though, I’m much happier with the finale the second time around. I think it’s due to watching the entire series in a short space of time, rather than over 4 years as I did before. Plot threads that you can forget week by week become a lot easier to follow if you watch the episodes in quick succession. And if you’re doing a rewatch I highly recommend firing through it as quickly as possible.

And now, a run down of my favourite BSG moments:

- Boomer’s a Cylon! What the frak!
- Adama getting shot by Boomer. We’d thought she’d overcome her Cylon nature, but then BOOM! Double tap in the Commander’s chest.
- The Chief’s Blackbird fighter. A rare almost happy episode of BSG, as the Chief brings the deck crew together to make a new fighter. And he calls it Laura. Just lovely.
- The entirety of the Pegasus arc. The peak of BSG at the time, highlighting the differences between the two crews, with the horrific discovery of a beaten Six model, the sheer hatred towards the rapist crew of the Pegasus, the first appearance of resurrection ships and culminating in the death of Admiral Cain.
- The whole episode of ‘Downloaded.’ An episode from a sympathetic Cylon view. Genius television.
- New Caprica. All of it. Possibly the peak of Galactica foe me. It never hit the same highs after this. Not to say the rest of the series was bad, but this was it at its best. The Adama Manoeuvre is probably the coolest thing I have seen in a TV show ever.
- The season 3 finale. Final four revealed, Baltar acquitted, Starbuck returns from the dead. Still the biggest mind frak of a finale ever.
- The discovery of a nuked Earth. We’d had some gut punches in BSG before. This was probably the biggest.

So, after my rewatch I think Battlestar Galactica might actually be my favourite TV show of all time. It’s brave, it’s thought provoking, it’s exceptionally well acted, it’s exciting, it’s frakkin’ incredible.

So say we all.

Wednesday 8 June 2011

No cake, but plenty of combustible lemons.

As much as I wanted Portal 2, I had a few fears that it would just be a longer version of the original. It kind of is, but it’s also so much more. Is it a fantastic game? No question, it’s sublime. Is it better than the original? Well, no. But it’s every bit as good as it.

And luckily, the first Portal was fucking fantastic.



FULL SPOILERS FOR PORTAL 2 TO FOLLOW SO DON’T READ ON IF YOU HAVEN’T FINISHED IT


The chambers themselves, the meat and potatoes of the game, are works of evil genius, just as before. After getting you used to the mechanics again (which are the same as the first game, obviously) the difficulty ratchets up considerably. But never unfairly. Never did I feel as if the solution was out of reach, it was just my own stupidity preventing me from proceeding. And there is no greater joy than working out exactly what you’re supposed to do, and working through it in clockwork fashion. The new additions to the game, such as the propulsion gels, light bridges, launch pads and excursion funnels change the way you solve the puzzles dramatically. Where the first game’s hardest puzzles were solved by jumping through portal at high speeds, causing you to fling out the other portal to reach previously unreachable areas (or as GLaDOS puts it “speedy thing goes in, speedy thing comes out.”), in the second game, these types of puzzles are the easiest. The first time you reach a puzzle that uses all four of the new elements, sometimes with a bunch of turrets thrown in for good measure, you’re likely to curl up into the foetal position on the floor and sob for a bit.






Of course, you’ll get stuck. A lot. But you’ll also kick yourself for not working out how to solve it sooner.

A lot.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

When was the last time a game made you laugh? I mean really laugh. Chances are one never has. Chuckle maybe, but full on guffaw. None. I must have laughed out loud dozens of times playing Portal 2, and it’s mainly due to the characters of Wheatley and Cave Johnson. GlaDOS is still in the humour mix, but these new characters really steal the show. There was a point about halfway through the game where I actually had to stop I was laughing so much. One word: lemons. And Wheatley, first of all as your friend and then as the main antagonist is never anything less than hilarious. In addition to my earlier question, when was the last time you were able to quote a game? Again, chances are never. Off the top of my head I can reel of half a dozen great quotes.




One of my favourites being this one from Stephen Merchant’s Wheatley: Ooh. It's dark down here isn't it? They say that the old caretaker of this place went absolutely crazy. Chopped up his entire staff... of robots - all of them robots - they say at night you can still here the screams... of their replicas. All of them functionally indistinguishable from the originals... no memory of the incident... nobody knows what they're screaming about. Ab-solutely terrifying. Though obviously not paranormal in any meaningful way.

And all of Cave Johnson’s quotes were gold: All these science spheres are made of asbestos by the way, keeps out the rats. Let us know if you feel a shortness of breath, a persistent dry cough or your heart stopping, because that's not part of the test - that's asbestos.

And once you know that the voice is that of J K Simmons, you can’t get him out of your head. If you don’t know who I mean firstly, shame on you, and secondly, imagine the editor from the Spiderman movies. Cause that’s who he is.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Also, the world of Portal is expanded so much in the sequel. We get into the bowels of the facility and a whole load of backstory is provided through the announcements over the tannoy. It’s not integral to complete the game, but it fleshes out the world in a way the original never did. If the original was a puzzle game with an implied story (if you cared to follow the cryptic ramblings of GLaDOS), the second is a puzzle game with an actual plot. And is all the better for it. Not to spoil anything, but the game has a good few twists and turns, as well as some emotional investment in characters that you never see, as well as one that you do. I defy you not to laugh and also go “awwww” at the very last post credits line.

The locations including the test chambers, the old Aperture facility, and the test chambers again but under Wheatley’s control are all stunningly realised and beautiful to look at. Especially impressive when you consider that this game is working off an engine that a few years old already.




The best thing about Portal 2 is unquestionably its desire to not pander to any sort of convention or conformity. Valve could have capitalised on their success by selling out, and throwing in a whole bunch of new features to entice new gamers. They didn’t, and more credit to them. It sticks to the same formula as the first, and never feels as if it’s been dumbed down to appeal to the masses now that it is a full game in it’s own right and not just part of a games package (like the Orange Box).

So to finish, if you want a game that tests your grey matter, has a great story, will make you laugh, make you want to tear you hair out, provide a satisfying difficulty curve, challenge you to think in abstract ways, with a great voice cast, sound design, level design, which looks great and provides a completely satisfying ending, with a fantastic credits song that rivals the original’s “Still Alive,” and with a very high replay value then get Portal 2.

Now.

And I haven’t even started talking about the co-op.

The only downside is that it’s so good, you’ll not want to put it down, and will finish it quickly. But when that’s the only criticism you can come up with, you may just have the game of the year in your hands.

5 stars.

X-Men: First Class review

I’ll admit to being a big fan of the X franchise, despite the last two entries being less than good, but I still was quite excited about this new one. Mostly because the two main big players behind it were also behind last years awesome Kick Ass: Matthew Vaughn and Jane (well, hellooooo nurse!) Goldman.

Being a reboot/prequel of sorts the movie has to introduce us to characters we’ve already met, just younger. Once we get the perfunctory really young versions of the characters out of the way and meet the ones we’ll be spending the next two hours with, the reintroductions are done with such flair that it’s impossible not to smile. James McAvoy is brilliant as a young Xavier who hasn’t yet realised his calling, instead using his mutant abilities to pick up women in bars. His bond with a young Mystique (his ‘sister’) is also one of the more touching aspects of the movie.

And then there’s Fassbender; taking on the role of Magneto, originally played, perfectly, by Sir Ian McKellen can’t have been easy but his introduction is nothing short of genius. Attempting to hunt down the Nazi who killed his mother, by tracking down his lieutenants he exudes a charm and menace that’s by turns funny and chilling, and always intense. I could have cheered his dispatching of the three Germans in the bar (*). These Charles and Erik scenes are intercut giving us a sense of just how different these two men are before they meet each other, and it works brilliantly as the juxtaposition between the happy Charles scenes and the angst-y Erik scenes highlights and strengthens the eventual decisions they make later on.

(*) someone pointed out to me that the scene in the German bar (down to the camera angles and the lighting) looks uncannily like those Stella Artois ads. It’s something I haven’t been able to get out of my head since, because it’s right.






Once the plot kicks in, the film never really lets up. This is both a good thing and a bad thing; it’s good because the pace never slows at all, so you don’t ever get bored. It’s bad because, even at just over 2 hours, it makes the film feel a little rushed, with certain characters getting the short shrift. Criminally, Sebastian Shaw is one of these characters. His villain wants to destroy mankind because…um, he’s the villain. He’s not really given any sort of reason for wanting to do so, which is a shame because Kevin Bacon delivers a great performance, all self assured and cocky. In fact, that’s my only major gripe with First Class, the lack of a decent bad guy. I enjoyed the Bond-ian lairs and 60’s vibe that it all had, and yes I understand that the main focus of the movie was establishing the relationship between Charles and Erik, as well as introducing us to the new kids, but not at the expense of a menacing bad guy with a good motive. The other disappointing thing for me was the underuse of Emma Frost. She doesn’t really do much except for look really really really good (as do all the women in the movie, seriously), and I know she’s the Ice Queen and all but the actress must have interpreted cold and unfeeling, as dead eyed and one note. She doesn’t so much turn to diamond as she does wood.

However, I can forgive that all because all the other parts of the movie were so damn fun. From subtle nerd shout outs, to full blown crowd pleasing moments (including the finest swear-y cameo you’re going to see this year, which I’ll not spoil) it’s a pure joy from start to finish. Even the two montages aren’t the tedious bore that they normally are, rather they showcase the new mutants (the first class of the title) powers in a way that would take far too long to do otherwise, and in a very fun way too.

Speaking of the new characters; some are great, some are utterly superfluous. Starting with the great; Beast and Mystique, both characters we’ve seen before but here they are given new layers. Mystique’s arc in this film is really the same as Rogue’s in the original three but done better in my opinion, as you can see why she sides with Magneto come the end, despite loving Charles as her brother. Her mantra ‘mutant and proud,’ and the persuasion from Erik to not disguise herself in human form but rather be blue all the time is a neat little touch (and also leads to another brilliant blink-and-you’ll-miss-it cameo); it’s foreshadowing without it becoming clunky. Beast’s arc is sort of the same but in reverse, and Nicolas Hoult’s performance is the best in the movie, behind McAvoy and Fassbender. And that’s coming from someone who normally hates him in all his roles, About a Boy aside. However, most of the other first class aren’t really there for anything other than to show off some (admittedly cool) superpowers. Angel is a waste, Havok is cool but doesn’t have much to do, and Banshee was probably my favourite of all the new students and his flight was probably the most smile inducing part of the whole thing for me. I don’t even know who the tornado-from-his-hands guy was.



Then we have the action. It’s bigger than any previous X-Men movie to date, and it doesn’t disappoint. Magneto raising the submarine from the water is a truly fantastic looking moment. The fight with Havok, Banshee and Azazel is brilliant, with Azazel bamf-ing all over the place. The attack on the X-lab is brilliant and showcases some awesome effects. In fact every single character gets a moment to shine, aside from maybe Charles whose sole ability is to put his two fingers to his temple and read your mind (although his magic trick line is very very funny).

The climax to Erik’s arc in the movie with him killing Sebastian Shaw was perhaps the most comic book-y scene I’ve ever seen. Charles is reading Shaw’s mind from a distance just as Erik is slowly moving a coin through his brain (the same coin that Shaw told Erik to move with his mind back when he killed his mother, and couldn’t) and the camera pans across the side of Shaw’s head and Charles’ head. I’m not explaining it very well, but it’s a great scene, and is a showcase of just how confidently directed the whole movie is. It effortlessly takes its globetrotting, Cold War skirting, 60’s vibe in its stride and there’s not a misstep throughout the whole two hours.

I read that this is going to be the first movie in a new trilogy, which is great news, but it leads to my other complaint about this movie. Once it ends you could go straight into X-Men no problem: we have Magneto now seemingly bad, with Mystique on his side. We have Charles, paralysed, in his wheelchair. And we’re living in the mansion. Obviously there is room for more First Class movies, but I always envisioned them taking a bit longer with Erik turn to the dark side. To have him there after one movie seems rushed, and also it negates the beginning of X Men: The Last Stand, in which Erik and Charles (still with the use of his legs) are still friends. Although I don’t mind ignoring X3 too much [perhaps a holdover/resentment from Vaughn and Singer for being ousted from that movie back in 2006] it does pretty much give the fingers to continuity.

Last annoying thing, I promise. They did have some awful lines towards the end, specifically with Moira (hellooooo, Rose Byrne) coming up with the name “X-Men” as well as Charles saying ‘I’ll probably be going bald soon.’ It’s annoying, and seems like it’s trying to desperately remind the audience that they are watching an X-Men movie and just felt forced and unnecessary.

In summary, I am a bit biased as I’ve loved the X-Men for many many years now, and despite some very minor grievances, I loved this movie. It’s not the best X-movie, that’s still X-Men 2, but for me it comes a very close second. A great start to the summer season.

4 stars.

Tuesday 7 June 2011

Pirates of the Carribean: On Stranger Tides review

I have to apologise. I'm waaaaaaaaay behind on my reviews and I'll try and rectify that as soon as possible. I have been seeing the movies, just haven't written any reviews.
Anyway, I've also decided that instead of marks out of ten, I'm going to employ a star rating system, out of 5. Mainly because I feel giving a film 2 stars is better than giving it 4/10. 2 stra suggests that's there's at least something that's not awful about it while 4 out of ten makes it seem like it's terrible beyond all recognition. Just go with me on it. Ta.

And now, my review:

Now usually the 4th film in a franchise is awful, and I’m happy to report that with On Stranger Tides that particular tradition is…alive and well.

Perhaps I’m being a bit harsh. It’s not awful, but it’s just not very good.

At all.

Back in 2003 (!?) when the original Pirates came out, it was a breath of fresh air. An exciting, funny, run-around caper, with a hilarious character in the middle of a whole ton of action, with some supernatural elements thrown in the mix as well. It was light, frothy and fun.

With the success of the film, and the popularity of Cap’n Jack, some sequels were knocked out. These were…less successful. Although not in terms of money, they made loads, but as actual films they weren’t up to much. But at least they still had a story. An overly complex story for what once was something almost throwaway. However, the plot if you chose to follow it did make sense, and at least carried the characters through to the satisfying conclusion.

And all three of the movies had some absolutely great action sequences.





Pirates 4 is an absolutes mess of a film. It’s not exciting, you care about literally none of the characters and there’s only one action scene that’s any good.



Firstly, Jack is searching for the fountain of youth because…well, I don’t really know. Ok, he’s a pirate and that’s what he does but its not exactly great motivation for the character, and doesn’t provide us with any reason to want him to get it. Blackbeard wants it because he’s going to die otherwise (apparently down to a prophecy about a one legged man, which is the only information we’re given as to why he wants it) but he’s such a boring character that you don’t care either way. The Spanish king (?) wants it for reasons unknown, or just reasons I couldn’t be arsed remembering. Barbossa (back again for no real reason) is now working for the Crown and he’s trying to kill Blackbeard. Penelope Cruz is only there to create a bit of tension between her and Jack, and be Spanish. She only manages one of these things.

And there’s the ‘central’ couple, a missionary and a mermaid (don’t ask) who are supposed to be this movies Will’n’Liz, but they serve absolutely no purpose whatsoever. I mean, literally, the mermaid does nothing but advance the plot in one scene, yet is in the movie for most of its second half. And the missionary is only there to fall in love with the mermaid, die, which causes the mermaid to cry, which is the reason why she’s in the movie in the first place, as they need a mermaid’s tears to make the fountain of youth work (again, don’t ask). And they have a few scenes together in which we’re meant to care, but end up bored.

Loose ends are everywhere in this installment. Blackbeard has some sort of supernatural voodoo control over his ship. We’re never told why. His crewmen are all zombified. We’re never told why. The human crewmembers fight against the English and Spanish armies for Blackbeard despite the fact that he enslaved them. That doesn’t make any sense. The mermaid who seconds earlier was attacking the missionary saves his life, and then falls in love with him. Although I’ll be damned if I know why.

At least in the previous installments we were told why such things were going on, almost to a fault really. Davy Jones had a back-story that was cool and tragic. Will and Elizabeth had a believable romance. Jack was always out for his own survival (mostly). In this, stuff just happens and they seem not to be worried about it making any kind of sense, just so long as Jack Sparrow’s there to make a funny joke.

Except…

It’s just not funny. Not the character, he still is, but only whenever he’s given something funny to say. Just having him there, mincing about the place isn’t enough. It’s been said that the first three movies were movies that just happened to have Jack in them, adding something different to the mix; they weren’t about Jack as such, but he was there anyway. Putting him as the focal point of the fourth movie doesn’t work. It works when there’s stuff happening around Jack, not when he’s the reason why it’s happening. And because he’s there in every scene he’s often just being serious (or as serious as that character can be) and doesn’t provide the comic relief he did in the previous films.

Still, at least some stellar action sequences might help. Pity there aren’t any. There are action sequences but they’re so staged and clinical that there’s no excitement to be drawn from them. Action-by-numbers if you will. Only one sequence feels fresh, and that’s the mermaid attack. It’s genuinely scary, and pretty exciting. Shame that the rest of the action sequences are dull and rote.



So, overall I didn’t like it very much. Which was disappointing as I can see they tried to make a more streamlined Pirates movie after the epic trilogy that preceded it, but they just about failed in every aspect.




Still, it’ll make enough money for Pirates 5 to already be in production.

2 stars.