Tuesday, 1 May 2012

Even More Gaming Annoyances

#11 -Parents playing videogames
Ok, this one is true of a lot of different groups, not necessarily parents but they’re the most frequent culprits. Sometimes you want to try and get you parents to play games. I’ve tried for manys a year. I first remember trying with Sonic back on the Mega Drive. My dad could play that no problem. It’s not hard. However, as parents are inclined to do, they moved the controller with the character on screen, in a vain attempt to move Sonic just that little bit further or jump a little higher. Rookie mistake. 

This is not usually what happens.

You see, parents just aren’t gamers. The majority anyway. And if something as straightforward as the run and jump mechanics of Sonic stumps them, then God forbid you try to introduce them to a modern first person shooter that requires you to use one stick for moving, another stick for direction and then you also have to shoot things. All at the same time!
The process goes a little something like this:
Me: Ok, move forward.
Parent: Ok.
[Moves forward]
Me: There’s a guy shooting you on your left.
[Stops dead, looks left, continues holding left and spins in a circle until they die]
Me: Ok, look up.
[Looks up. At the sky]
Me: No, not that far. Look down again.
Me: No, look about halfway up so you can see the building.
[Sky. Followed by death]
Me: Ok, jump over that wall.
Parent: Which one is jump?
Me: That one.
[Character jumps on the spot]
Me: No, you have to press forward and jump.
[Character looks up at the sky. Jumps]
Me: No, do it at the same time.
[Character jumps on the spot. Then upon landing looks up to the sky. Dies]
A little later, once we’ve got the sky/ground thing worked out.
Me: Right, walk along to the end there. And take a left towards that building.
[Walks forward, gets to crossroads, stops, turns 90 degrees, then after some sky/ground action, walks forward again. Gets shot. Dies.]

My dad can however play Guitar Hero pretty well. On the easiest setting. But by jove it took some patience getting there. 

#12 - Gaming getting blamed for mental kids
So, just last week the story was in the papers of the kid who killed his mum. Horrible story, no doubt. But the following day in the papers the shocking revelation came out that this kid had a copy of some violent video game in his room (I can’t remember what it was, but it involved killing folk for points. Like most games then?). The story then went off on a sensationalist tangent about how these games are training our children to be murderers. 
No, they’re really not. 
And calling for them to be banned is just as stupid. 
Kids who kill their own parents are probably unstable to start with. I’ve played games my whole life and have not once harboured any murderous intentions once the console is switched off. I have plenty of violent DVDs and books. Should we ban those as well?
Games are rated just like films. If your 12 year old child wants to buy Modern Warfare 3, which is rated 18 and you do, you’re to fucking blame for not being a responsible parent. It probably wouldn’t have turned him into a killer though, but at least if he murders his parents they will find age appropriate games in his room, and blame the kid and not the game. 

#13 - Multi stage bosses
You’ve fought you way through countless drones and nameless baddies to reach the end of level/game boss. You persevere, getting your ass handed to you on multiple occasions but though sheer force of will you defeat the blaggard. He falls to the ground defeated. You are victorious. You bask in the glory of besting your foe. 

But wait…
He starts to get up again. In a seemingly larger form than he was previously. And inexplicably with a larger health bar. 

What the fuck, gaming? Seriously? I just kicked seven shades of shit out of this dude and he just gains some extra strength/arms/weapons from nowhere? The equivalent of every Power Rangers episode ever. Of course, you’re always nearly dead anyway from the previous fight, so now you’re expected to do it again, to a harder enemy, with less health than you had fighting the easier one. Fuck that. 

The most recent example of this. F*ck you, Poison Ivy.

Stop doing this games. Please. Or at least don’t have a little cut scene in between leading me to believe that I’ve actually killed him only to pull the rug out from under me, and causing me to die loads me times trying to kill the bugger. 

And don’t get me started on games that do this more than once.

#14 - Driving games
Now, there’s nothing wrong with driving games specifically, except for the fact that I’m shit at them. Honestly. 
I mean actual driving games now. Not one where you have to drift round corners and have nitro boosts. I’m awesome at those. But with actual driving games? Your Forza’s and your Gran Turismo’s? I suck. I just get bored with driving very very easily, and wish that the game would suddenly cause something to explode in front of me or give me a corner that I can drift around, instead of just having to brake slightly.

 This is my kind of racing game.

I mean, I can drive properly in real life with nothing exciting happening. Why would I want to do it in a game with other people who are doing the same? Often the only excitement in a racing game comes from someone doing something out of the ordinary, when that should be the norm. A game should constantly have you on edge, or at least excited. Trundling round a track never overtaking, and being afraid to crash just ain’t fun. 

#15 - Tails
What a dick. 
All he was good for was providing the occasional laugh when he accidentally died.

1 comment:

  1. I can fully relate to the first bit. Trying to train up the future Mrs with a bit of Mario Kart 64 the other weekend. Patience is definitely required. She was steadily weaving down the long wide straight section of Luigi Raceway. Let's just say I didn't try explaining power sliding.