#1 The oversimplification of Press Start
You’d think it was a hard thing to do. Pressing one button. I like the ‘Press Start’ prompt. It’s console gamings equivalent of ‘Insert Coin’ yet with so many recent games, you can more or less press any button to move to the next part of the menu. The start button is on the controller for a reason. SO PRESS IT WHEN ASKED. Don’t press A; don’t press X; press that lovely Start button. You wouldn’t try and insert a turnip into an arcade machine when it says ‘Insert Coin,’ so just press Start when the game tells you to.
#2 – Ridiculously good gamers that make your feel inferior
I like to think I’m an alright gamer. Not great, but good enough to hold my own online. Every so often though this thought is shattered, with a disheartening display where I get killed more often than Lemmings do if a sociopath were playing it. I hate good players. They are bastards, simply because they’re better than me. Often, after a particularly humiliating game, I’ve remarked to friends I’m playing with that I don’t feel that bad because I have a life outside of gaming whereas these super gaming robots do not. I never sound convincing because I always feel broken afterward. A broken man; angry, bitter and nursing a sore hand because I’ve “accidentally” punched the radiator.
#3 – Public Enemy No1 in Road Rash
The way this twat would always always catch up with you on the home stretch in any race in Road Rash no matter how many cars/cows/bushes you had knocked him into with your fists/baseball bat/chain. And the dick would always make me panic and I’d swerve violently to try and knock him off course, which inevitably caused me to come crashing off my bike once I hit a car/cow/bush.
And then I’d have to watch him swan off over the horizon to win the bastarding race.
And I’d finish 7th.
#4 – Lag
Often used as an excuse to compensate for squinty shots and the like, lag is the bane of any online gamer. There is nothing more infuriating than sneaking round a corner to find your enemy facing the opposite direction to you and emptying what seem like an entire clip of deadening killerific bullets his way, only to have him turn around and shoot you.
With a spud gun.
And then, when you watch the kill cam it turns out you weren’t firing at him at all, but doing a little spinny dance hoping that you’d somehow break dance him to death. Once again, the radiator takes a beating.
#5 – Sonics impatience
“Fuck off, Sonic. I’d had to pee.”